I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
