First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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