I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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