Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
