just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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