Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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