Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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