Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
