I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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