I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
