you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
