Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
