I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
