U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
