Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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