She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
