Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
