1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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