Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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