Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
