his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
