My nipple is on Facebook.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
