I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
