How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
