I CAN MOONWALK!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
