Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
