I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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