After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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