I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
