I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
smell my finger.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
