Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
