I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
