he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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