Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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