wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
