I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
