She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
