i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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