what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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