You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
