this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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