I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
