I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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