Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this boner is exhausting
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
