just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
