The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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