I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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