I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
