I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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