Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
