You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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