yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
