my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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