my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.