I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
