So drunk its hurt
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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