If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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