There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
